


depth

by brandneweyesvevo



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-11-21 07:35:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11352828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brandneweyesvevo/pseuds/brandneweyesvevo
Summary: Jared kleinman is a three dimensional character fuck all of u





	1. boy with broken wings

**Author's Note:**

> first chapter evan will most likely come in the third chapter, and zoe will come in the third as well

The first thing Jared Kleinman learned was how to tell a joke. His first memories were of him sitting on his dad’s lap, watching Richard Pryor and George Carlin, feeling his dad’s belly laugh vibrate through his body. Jared treasured those memories; memories from before his house became a war front between his parents. He remembered curling up in his closet with his portable DVD player and his dad’s Monty Python collection, and watching them to tune out the sounds of his mom’s crying, breaking plates, and yelling. He learned how to utilize humor to try to forget his family falling apart and mask his own insecurities. When he got huge glasses in the first grade, Jared was the one who began calling himself Four Eyes. The same happened in the sixth grade when he got braces for his overbite; he beat the schoolyard bullies to the punch by dubbing himself ‘Metal Mouth’. It worked for the most part; he used these jokes to cover how insecure he really was. Jared thought that as long as you seemed that you didn't care, then it would eventually come true, and you wouldn't avoid looking in mirrors anymore.  
It didn't.  
The summer between freshman and sophomore year, his parents finally got divorced. The ugly court case turned into a custody battle for Jared, and involved him having to speak on the stand, being forced to tell his parents and the court which one he would rather stay with. He gained 20 pounds that summer from stress eating and laying in his bed, too depressed to do anything. When he returned to school in the fall, he did the same routine. Cracking jokes about his muffin top to try to give himself immunity from name calling and teasing. But this time, it wasn't a repellent; it was an attractant. Jared became his grade’s punching bag, between his pudge, glasses, and overbite that braces hadn't fixed. He was called everything from ‘wide load’ to ‘lard bucket’. It became tradition for the football team to shove him in the hallways, and for the soccer team to throw various foods and drinks from the cafeteria at him. Going home to his mother bent over the bills with tears didn't help either. By Thanksgiving break, Jared was running everyday and had lost 5 pounds. By Christmas break, he had lost 20, running twice a day and only eating dinner. He was in the hospital for all of Spring break.  
The only person other than his mom who would visit him in the hospital was Connor Murphy.  
Freshman year, Jared had had a small group of friends that he ate lunch with and went out with. But they had all ditched him sophomore year, to avoid social suicide. Jared was left with no other option than to sit with Connor, who sat by himself in the farthest corner of the cafeteria. They had lived in the same wealthy neighborhood, before he and his mom had to move into a tiny house on the edge of town in August. Their moms had gotten along pretty well (probably because they both hated their husbands), and Jared and Connor bonded over their fucked up families. Jared and Connor had been close in elementary and middle school, but Jared had completely ignored Connor all of freshman year to keep a decent reputation. But Jared decided that it didn't really matter anymore. The first day of sophomore year, after his friends rejected him from the table, Jared walked over to Connor’s table and took a seat across from the long haired boy. Connor’s head was down, and he didn't notice Jared sitting down. Jared coughed quietly to get his attention.  
‘Well, look who's sitting with me?” Connor said, looking up from his food, fixing his steely eyes on Jared’s. Connor had a way of letting you know that you've fucked up big time without speaking.  
“Yeah, it’s me.” Jared responded, smiling weakly. Connor raised his eyebrows and dipped a french fry in ketchup.  
“What are you doing here? I thought you were embarrassed of me.” Connor asked staring at Jared. Jared looked down, jiggling his leg nervously.  
“My friends are ignoring me.” Jared said weakly, thinking about the fucking irony of the whole situation.  
“Karma’s a bitch.” Connor said. Connor looked across the cafeteria to where Jared’s former friends sat. “I see ignoring me helped you a lot in the long run.” He said.  
“Well, they were assholes anyway.” Jared said. Connor nodded and ate another fry, eyes still on Jared. Jared took a breath, looked at the floor, and buried his pride.  
“I’m sorry, I really fucked up last year.” Jared said quietly. No response came out of Connor. “I missed you.” He said. It came out as more of a question than a statement, like he was testing the waters. Connor was silent before responding, like he was thinking it over.  
“I don't wanna admit it, but I missed you too.” Connor said. “You still owe me big time though. Throw away my fries, will ya?” He handed Jared the empty paper boat, soaked with ketchup.  
“Jesus, you still use too much ketchup.” Jared wrinkled his nose, standing up.  
“Times haven't changed much.” Connor said, letting a small smile out of his stony expression.  
“Good to know.” Jared noted. “How long am I throwing away your trash until you forgive me?” He joked. Connor thought it over.  
“The rest of the year, Kleinman.” Connor said. “You’re my personal slave til June.”  
“Whatever you say, Murphy.” Jared walked to the trashcan. He smiled to himself, elated that he was on good terms with Connor again.  
Even if it meant throwing away his trash for the rest of the year


	2. he'll be good looking, but unaware of his good looks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i didn't know how to end it and trigger warning for reference to past sexual assault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe

The one thing Jared wasn't ashamed of was his sexuality.   
There had never been a moment where he had questioned whether he liked boys or not; with all their other faults, his parents had always encouraged him to embrace himself for who he was. They never said a word about him being more comfortable with girls, and how he loved playing dress up. There were photos of Jared dressing up as princesses with his older cousin Jessie, and he'd always thought pink was a tasteful color. He had come out freshman year to his mom during breakfast, simply with a “Mom? I’m gay.” She hugged him and asked if he'd like to tell his dad. Jared said yes, and called him that evening, in a similar casual manner.   
Jared might hate every part of himself, but he decided never to hate the fact that he liked boys. He already had enough on his plate than to worry if he kissed boys or not.   
Even though Jared had no problem with his sexuality, he knew the people in his school did. He kept it a secret not out of shame, but out of self protection. He’d never told anyone other than his parents.  
And Connor Murphy.  
Jared and Connor had always been close. They’d shared everything with each other; Mrs. G’s class (Jared tried to stop Connor from throwing the printer), a sleeping bag on an 8th grade camping trip (Jared didn't get any sleep), and their first beer. (stolen out of a cooler at the Murphy’s barbecue one summer). Jared was the first person Connor told about his first kiss. Jared remembered the excitement in Connor’s voice as he told Jared about the girl, who he'd met at his karate camp over the summer between eighth grade and freshman year. Jared feigned happiness for his friend, despite the burning in his chest and behind his eyes that he couldn't quite explain. Before he hung up, Connor whispered “I’m so happy I can tell you anything.”   
“Me too,” Jared responded, feeling his own confession on the tip of his tongue. But he didn't say anything; he didn't want to overshadow his best friend’s happy moment, even though his unexplained jealousy was begging him to.   
“Good night.” Connor said.   
“Night.” Jared said. He pressed the hang up button and sighed, staring at his ceiling as if looking for an answer to his jealousy.   
He didn't tell Connor about his sexuality until a sleepover later into sophomore year, around October. During a commercial break between episodes of Big Brother, Jared mustered up his courage. As soon as he began to speak, Connor did to. They both halted and looked at each other. Usually one of them would yell Jinx and make the other get them a Coke. But neither said anything.  
“You first.” Jared said.   
“No, you.” Connor frowned.  
“You!” Jared exclaimed. Connor sighed and took a moment to gather his thoughts.  
“It wasn't a girl.” he muttered. When Jared was silent, Connor peeked through his shaggy hair. Jared was staring back at him, not knowing what to think.   
“The girl from karate camp. My-” Connor halted and stared down. “My first kiss.” he said quietly, and with a bit of shame.   
“It wasn't?” Jared asked.  
“No,” Connor shook his head. He looked like a puppy left out in the rain; hair in his face, eyes on his furiously fidgeting hands. Jared saw tears beginning to form at the corners of Connor’s eyes, and fought the temptation to wipe them away. He set his hand on the other boy’s back and began rubbing it in soothing circles.  
“It’s nothing to be ashamed about.” Jared said.   
“Tell that to my dad!” Connor grimaced, jerking away from Jared’s touch. “It’s fucking disgusting” He wiped furiously at his eyes. “I hate myself for it, so, so much.”   
“Don't say that,” Jared said, scooting closer to Connor. Connor stiffened, hands balled into the fabric of the couch. “I- um,” Jared stopped and took a breath. “I’m gay too. If it makes you feel better.”   
Jared’s heart stopped, waiting for Connor’s response. After what felt like an eternity, the other boy spoke.  
“I’m not gay, I’m just, I don't know.” Connor sighed. “I’ve kissed girls and I liked it too.”   
“Like who?” Jared couldn't help his curiosity.   
“I can't remember. I was drunk or high.” Connor admitted. “Or both.”  
“Damn, what did I miss last year?” Jared said wryly, getting a laugh out of Connor.  
“Too much.” Connor said. “I got a pregnancy scare, too.” He confided. Jared choked on his own spit, both from what Connor said and holy fuck, how did Connor lose his virginity before Jared?  
“Jesus fuck, Connor.” Jared said, between coughs. Connor broke into a fit of giggles, while Jared just stared in confusion. “I mean, who was the poor girl?”   
“Fuck off,” Connor said. “Carly Jenson. She was a senior last year.”  
“You got game.” Jared pointed out. Connor shrugged in agreement.   
“What about you? Got your first kiss yet?” Connor teased. His eyes widened at Jared’s silence and the blush creeping up the boy’s cheeks. “Holy shit, Kleinman. I thought you woulda gotten some already!”   
“Fuck off!” Jared yelped as Connor started nudging him.   
“C’mon, you've gotta have gotten some boy at camp!” Connor continued. Jared shook his head tried to squirm away, but Connor grabbed him into a tight hug. Jared tried to ignore how taught Connor’s arm muscles were around his own soft midsection. “Camp counselors are always nailing each other!”   
“That's only overnight camps. This was a day camp.” Jared corrected him. Connor rolled his eyes. “The only place to hook up was the janitor's closet.”   
“You’d totally be into nasty shit like that.” Connor teased. Jared thought it had to be impossible to blush this much. “I know you.” Connor whispered in his ear.   
“Stop!” Jared giggled, wriggling around. Connor just held him closer, closer, closer.   
And then Jared saw the little gold flecks in Connor’s eyes.   
And Connor saw the small dusting of freckles on Jared’s nose.   
And then they were kissing, Connor’s arms still around Jared. It didn't feel real, not at all. It didn't feel real until Jared heard Connor let out a soft moan.  
Jared didn't mean to end the kiss. But he kept hearing that moan on repeat in his head and felt sick, like he was going to throw up or pass out or both and he didnt know what to d-  
“Jared!” Connor yelled. Jared looked up to see Connor looking down at him, eyes full of concern. Jared was still on the couch, but laying down at an awkward angle. He must've passed out.   
“Jared, come on! Say something!” Connor pleaded, gripping Jared’s shoulders and shaking them slightly.   
“I’m sorry.” Jared whimpered, trying to sit up. He fell back down, overrun with nausea.   
“Are you okay?” Connor asked, helping Jared sit up. “What happened?”   
“The noise you made. It just-” Jared swallowed. He’d already said so much tonight. “Brings back a bad memory. I’m sorry.”   
“Fuck.” Connor whispered. “I’m so sorry.” Connor hugged Jared tightly. “I should have asked, I’m so fucking sorry, Jared.”   
“It’s okay.” Jared said, leaning into Connor’s comforting touch. “Can we go to bed?”   
“Yeah. You sure you're okay?” Connor asked, pulling back and looking at Jared.   
“Yeah. Just tired.”   
“Come on, I’ll help you up.” Connor stood up and helped Jared stand up, catching him when he stumbled.   
“Thanks.” Jared murmured.   
“No problem.”


	3. everything you wanted left you displaced

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> um

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on a serious note my eating disorder was similar to jared's so this is v therapeutic to write and he does get better!!! but that's awhile away and v sad and zoe is a bitch sorry

Evan Hansen.   
2 words.   
4 syllables.  
A shit ton of confusion.  
Jared was an all honors student, and even had a few AP classes under his belt. But for the love of god, he couldn't understand Evan Hansen.  
If Jared could view his life through a pair of binoculars, Evan would be in the very edge; barely there, yet still slightly noticeable. Then again, with Connor, Jared didn't notice a lot of things.   
He didn't notice his grades slipping until his exam grades came out; 70’s on all of them, and an 80 on his history exam.   
He didn't notice his eating habits go downhill until he passed out twice in one week.  
He didn't notice the empty liquor bottles piling up in the kitchen garbage can.  
But Jared did realize what it meant to love someone.   
Connor was always the opposite of everything all the kids at school thought he was; he was sweet, gentle, and soft. He just put up a front, much like Jared did, to protect himself. Connor was far from the monster everyone perceived him to be.   
But there were bad times. Times where their precious alone time was spent by Connor crying on Jared’s shoulder. When Connor vowed he was going to move out as soon as possible. When Connor would call Jared at 3 am on a school night, high on something that Jared didn't even want to know.   
There were good times too. Some Sunday's they would go on hikes in the nearby woods, always ending in a picnic. Their first time together: three months after Jared’s episode on the couch, Jared insisted that he was ready. The smaller boy on top, while Connor guided him into a steady and comfortable rhythm. Afterwards, with Connor holding Jared close, listening to each other's heartbeats.   
Connor made Jared feel special, and for the first time in Jared’s life, beautiful. But it still wasn't enough to curb his own image of himself.   
Jared tried so hard to be healthy about it.   
He downloaded weight loss apps, bought some running shoes, and made a goal weight for himself. He didn't mean to go overboard, but shit happens. He remembered a dinner at the Murphy’s in February, when Mrs. Murphy asked him what his workout regime was.   
“You’ve made such a transformation in the last couple months! How did you do it?” She asked. The broccoli (the only good Jared deemed okay to eat out of the bounty on the table) stuck in his throat. After a coughing fit, he answered.   
“You know, running and all that.” he said, feigning a smile.   
“I’m far too lazy for all that,” Mrs. Murphy laughed. “What do you eat?” Jared racked his brain for some healthy shit. He still had binge eats in the middle of the night, usually followed by a panic attack in the bathroom while purging it up.   
“Vegetables.” He nodded. Yes, vegetables. “Lots of em.”   
Mrs. Murphy tilted her head and peered at Jared’s plate, filled with broccoli, carrots, and a tiny bit of bread.   
“I can see that. Connor, pass Jared some chicken. I don't want you boys filling up on junk food later.”   
“He already said he doesn't want any, Mom.” Connor objected. Jared sheepishly looked down.   
“Why are you so defensive of him? Just pass the chicken.” Zoe piped in. Connor glared at her.   
“What's it to you?” he snapped. Jared grimaced; he'd been privy of the sibling’s fights, and they were brutal.  
“Just wondering why you're so defensive of your little boyfriend.” Zoe quipped.   
“Zoe, that's enough.” Mr. Murphy broke his silence, his booming voice filling the room.   
“Fuck off, Zoe!” Connor yelled.   
“Connor!” Mrs. Murphy cried. “Not in front of our guest!”   
“Yeah, you don't wanna ruin the marriage.” Zoe smirked. “It’s legal now, anyways.” Jared did not remember Zoe being such an asshole.  
“Shut the fuck up!” Connor roared. Zoe responded by throwing her water in Connor’s face.  
“I’ll take some chicken.” Jared said. There was silence, all of the Murphy’s glaring at Connor, and Connor staring stonily at Zoe, water dripping through his strands of hair. He reached over Connor’s plate and speared a slice. He took a bite, trying to keep down the vomit threatening to rise up. He'd cut out meat three months ago, after reading something about how it kills your metabolism in a weight loss magazine. “It's good!” he lied.  
He was thanked with a rushed thank you from Mrs. Murphy as she got up and hurriedly left the room, sniffling as she went. Mr. Murphy sighed and rubbed his temples.   
“Good job, Connor.” he sighed.   
“What did I do?” Connor cried.   
“What didn't you do?” Zoe snapped, getting up to comfort her mother.   
“C’mon, let’s go upstairs.” Connor stood up, and Jared joined him. He offered a small smile to Mr. Murphy, who returned it.   
“You're a good kid, Jared.” He said.   
“Thanks.” Jared responded. Connor looked back and shot a dirty look at his father.   
Later that night, Connor opened his window and smoked a cigarette. Usually Jared stayed on the bed, watching whatever they were watching on Connor’s TV. But tonight, he joined the other boy at the window, grabbing a cigarette from the pack.   
“I thought your grandfather died of lung cancer.” Connor frowned.  
“Whatever. I have a lot on my mind.” Jared reached for the light, but Connor held it from him.  
“It's a nasty habit.” Connor warned.   
“Fuck you and your habit.” Jared snatched the lighter and lit up. He coughed at the smoke’s first interaction with his lungs, but got used to the burning.   
“You look fuckin’ hot like that.” Connor said. Jared smirked around the cigarette.   
“Mhmm?” He took a drag, relishing in Connor’s glazed expression. “Tell me more.” Connor smirked and ground his cigarette in a filthy ashtray. He plucked Jared’s own out of his hand and ground it too.   
“Hey!” Jared protested, but was interrupted by Connor’s lips on his.   
“I’ll buy you as many packs as you want tomorrow, pretty boy.” He murmured, pulling Connor into his lap. “This is okay, right?” Connor asked after several minutes of making out.   
“Bed. Now.” Jared breathed.   
“I’ll take that as a yes.” Connor chuckled, swiftly picking up Jared and setting him on the bed.   
Sex wasn't always fun for Jared, but it made him feel temporarily good about himself. Seeing how he could bring Connor to the point of absolute pleasure with his body made him hate it a little less, at least in the moment.


	4. hot 97 summer jam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hehe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't proofread this

It was a Friday in April when Jared’s world came crashing down.   
He and Connor had had plans that evening to see a new horror movie, then sleepover at the Murphy’s. Connor's parents were out of town and Zoe was sleeping over at Alana Beck’s, so the two would have the house to themselves. Jared had been looking forward to it all week; it had been a hellish week for Jared, and he just wanted to spend the evening with his boyfriend.   
But he didn't even make it till two PM.   
He was walking to him and Connor’s table; a few more kids were now sitting there. They were fellow tech crew kids, friends of Jared. Connor tolerated them for Jared’s sake. Jared was halfway to the table when he started seeing black dots swirling in front of his eyes. He clutched his tray, filled with a plain salad, and shook his head. He tried to recall the last thing he ate, but he just remembered eating half a poptart for yesterday’s breakfast. 31 hours ago exactly.   
As Jared passed the football team’s table, he felt the feeling leave his fingertips and tripped, dropping his tray.   
“Watch it, fag!” snarled one boy. Jared picked himself up, but stumbled. His hand landed on the table, and he used it as a support to stand up.   
“Watch this,” the same boy said to his table. “Oops.” The boy said, shoving Jared’s arm off the table. Jared fell, his face landing on his salad.   
“Asshole.” Jared muttered. He shakily stood up, and turned around to return to the lunch line to get another salad. He made one step, then his world went black.   
When Jared woke up, his head hurt like a bitch. And the beeping wasn't helping.  
“Jared! Thank god!” Jared heard his mom’s voice, then felt her arms around him.   
“Hey Mom.” He said weakly. “What happened?”   
“Oh, baby.” His Mom held Jared close. “Why didn't you tell me?”   
“Tell you what?” Jared asked, but he was interrupted by a nurse coming in.  
“Mr. Kleinman, good to see you're awake.” the nurse, a pretty young blonde said. “Mrs. Kleinman, if you could move please.” she requested politely.   
“What happened?” Jared asked.   
“You fainted about 12 hours ago. We ran some tests, and it seems that you haven't eaten in 36 hours.” The nurse informed him. “Now, your mother did say that you've been working out regularly, sometimes twice a day, and that you've been very health conscious. It appears that you've lost nearly 40 pounds in the past three months. My consultants and I believe that you may be suffering from an eating disorder. Would you agree?”  
Jared’s heart dropped at the nurse’s words. It didn't feel like real life; being in the hospital, fainting in front of half of the school, and his secret being told in front of his mother, who was now crying.   
“Yes.” he said shakily. His mom buried her head in her hands. The nurse wrote this down on her clipboard.   
“Did you starve yourself?”  
“Yeah.” he said, fiddling with his bedsheets nervously.   
“Did you ever binge and purge?” the nurse asked.   
“Yes.” he whispered. That was what he was most ashamed of.   
“Thank you.” the nurse said. “We will put you into a rehabilitation program that will best suit your needs as soon as possible. Someone will be up with your dinner at six.” She walked out of the room.   
Jared closed his eyes and sighed deeply. His mom’s quiet sobs weren't helping much.  
“Mom, I’m so sorry.” he choked out. “I didn't mean for it to go this far.”   
“Jared, don't apologize. Please, please don't apologize.” she cried. “I can't believe I let this happen.”  
“Mom, it wasn't your fault.” Jared comforted her. She wrapped her arms around him again, and he breathed in her familiar scent; Chanel O 5, Pond’s Cold Cream, and a trace of a cigarette.  
She smelled like home, which is all Jared wanted right now.   
Connor visited him the next day, bringing flowers, chocolate, and a   
bone crushing hug.   
“You didn't need to bring all that.” Jared protested into Connor’s jacket as he hugged Jared tightly.   
“Yes I did.” Connor said, pulling away. “I’m so sorry, Jared. I should have noticed. I should have done somethi-”  
“Don't even start with that. There was nothing you could do.” Jared said. “It’s done; after this I’m gonna be in rehab for a while, them I’ll be good.”   
“I could have helped you. I could have talked to you about it! There was so much I could have done but I was so fucking blind!” he cried. “Sorry.” he apologized, looking at Jared’s mom, asleep on the couch. “I just- I should have noticed.” Connor’s voice cracked. Jared pulled Connor in for another hug, despite the exhaustion he already felt from the previous hug.   
“Shut up, ‘kay? I’m gonna be fine.” Jared said. “I love you.”   
“I love you too.” Connor whispered. “When are you gonna be out?”  
“I’m gonna be home tomorrow, but I have rehab here everyday for three weeks.” Jared wrinkled his nose. He’d read the pamphlet of the program, and it sounded awful. “I’ll call you, though.”   
“Only when you feel up to it.” Connor insisted. Jared rolled his eyes   
lovingly at his boyfriend's concern.  
“You're like my mom.” he joked, punching Connor’s arm.   
“Shut up.” Connor smiled softly.   
Three weeks later, and Jared was free. Yeah, he had a shit ton of homework to make up, but he would never have to go to that goddamn hospital again.   
And it was almost summer, meaning endless time to spend with Connor and Jared’s friends from camp, who he never saw during the school year.   
Walking out of school on the last day was indescribable for Jared. He was leaving behind the worst year of his life, with the boy that he was in love with. Jared felt like one of those stupid tee shirts that said ‘Life is Good’. Because it was. It was still hard to eat sometimes, especially when Jared began gaining back the weight he'd lost. But his mom, Connor, and occasionally his dad were there for him. Connor especially; if Jared didn't finish his entire plate of food, Connor would sit there until Jared finished it. Connor always had snacks with him, hidden away in the endless pockets of his favorite jacket.   
“You should be my new therapist.” Jared joked one day. They were dipping their feet in a stream, in the woods where they always hiked.   
“Trust me, you don't want me as your therapist.” Connor said. “Honestly, I’m so fucked up.” Jared frowned. All he really knew about Connor’s struggles were what he gathered from Connor’s middle of the night, high on something, phone calls. Jared did know that his dad was homophobic, and that his relationship with his entire family was fucked up. Hell, Jared had been privy to their fights. But Jared just didn't know why.   
“You good?” Jared asked. When Connor didn't respond, Jared put his hand on Connor’s.   
“You know my dad? He's against gay people and all that shit.” Connor started. “He's starting to figure it out. About us, I mean.”   
“Shit.” Jared whispered. Connor nodded in agreement. “Your mom is okay with it, isn't she?”   
“She is, but she's too scared of my dad to say anything.” Connor said. “And Zoe is just constantly making jokes about it.” Connor breathed heavily and ran a hand through his hair.   
“You can stay with me anytime.” Jared told him. Connor smiled tightly.   
“Thanks, but I don't wanna be a burden.”  
“My mom loves you, dude. It's like, creepy.” Jared said, causing Connor to laugh. “The offer’s always there, if you ever need it.”   
“Thanks, Jared.”  
“No problem, Con.”  
There was one thing that Jared couldn't get out of his head, though. While in rehab, he had come home one day to a card from Heidi Hansen, Evan Hansen’s mom. Heidi and Jared’s mom were somewhat close; Jared occasionally saw the perky blonde at his house, chatting with his mom. Heidi always insisted that Jared and Evan hang out, but Jared always weaseled out of it. It wasn't that he didn't like Evan, it was just that the kid sometimes creeped the hell out of Jared, with his wide eyes and stuttering.  
The card said some typical bullshit about being here for Jared, and a casserole was included. But taped to the back of the card was a folded sheet of paper. Jared took it off and began reading it.   
“Dear Jared,  
I know I don't know you very well, but our moms are really good friends. I heard what happened, and if you want to talk, here's my number. I hope you get better soon.  
From,   
Evan.”  
Jared smiled at the note. It carried the same awkward air Evan always had, but Jared didn't mind it. He texted the number later that evening to thank Evan for the kind gesture. Jared decided to start a clean slate with Evan; if the kid went out of his way to be nice to Jared, he couldn't be that bad.


	5. i'm done with being your punching bag and refugee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> should i do more from Conners perspective ??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> xanax is for anxiety right lmao also there were a bunch of senior last year when i was a freshman like the ones in here i deadass used the same names i hate myself too

Connor didn't know where he would be without Jared. He didn't want to admit it, but if he hadn't reconnected with Jared, he'd probably be dead.  
When Jared started ignoring him freshman year, a flock of outcast seniors took Connor under their wing. Kate, John, Simone, Natalie, and a few others. Connor didn't really know why they adored him. Maybe it was cause Connor was from a rich family, and could provide drug money. Maybe it was how Connor looked older than he really was. Regardless, the group of older kids helped Connor with a consistent flow of booze and weed. In the long run, they'd fucked Connor up pretty bad; handing him the keys to a reliance on cheap beer, cigarettes, and weed. But it did help him cope with his decaying home life and mental health. There had always been fights between his mom and dad, but as Connor got older and saw how his dad treated his mom, he became defensive of his mother. His dad and him had never been close, but Connor killed any existence of a relationship between them. Cheating, homophobic, manipulative assholes like his father deserved no better in Connor’s opinion.  
Connor started going out with his new friends more and more to escape his home.  
And himself.  
Connor felt like a pilot on a plane in bad weather; he felt like he had no control over what he said or did. He didn't mean to throw his entire plate of food at Zoe that one time, causing her to need stitches; he just lost control. It felt like blacking out; like the real Connor disappeared and some animalistic, angry version of him replaced him. The episodes became more and more frequent as the months of freshman year passed. His mom tried to get him to go a therapist, but Connor would always make sure to be out with his friends on the days of his appointments. But there was one day where all his friends were out, and he had no other choice then to go.  
He made it ten minutes into therapy before cussing out the therapist and storming out. His mom dragged him back in, staying with him with a hand clutched on his shoulder until the appointment was over.  
The therapist diagnosed Connor with bipolar, anxiety, and depression.  
He got bottles upon bottles of medication, including xanax. He quickly distributed the xanax among his friends, and they all enjoyed the pills with Natural Light on a Friday in May.  
“What're you gonna do next year?” slurred Kate. “We’re out of this shithole.”  
“Cheers to that.” John exclaimed, raising his can.  
“I dunno.” Connor swirled the contents of his can. He personally detested Natty Light. He was more of a Bud Light man. But beggars can't be choosers when the booze is free. “Probably drop out.”  
“Man, don't do that.” John told him. “Once you're a senior, none of this shit will matter. Just survive it.” John took a drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke out of the corner of his mouth.  
“Easy for you to say. You only have one week left. I’m here for three more years.” Connor said wryly.  
“Aww, baby, don't be like that.” John joked, kissing Connor sloppily on the cheek. John was a touchy felly drunk. “You'll be fiiinnee.”  
“Get offa me.” Connor pushed John off him, who got a fit of giggles out of this.  
“John, get off the freshman.” Natalie commanded. Natalie was a modelesque blonde, sharp as a tack. She kept the whole crew in line. “Please, control your gayness. We don't need to contaminate Conner.” John rolled his eyes and winked at Conner as he made his way to the couch.  
“Meet me in the bathroom in five.” John mouthed. Or that's what Conner thought he said. Maybe it was ‘May the beavers lead the hive.’ Conner really couldn't tell, but either way, his jeans were suddenly really, really tight.  
“Ignore him.” Simone rolled her eyes at John, who was now sliding down the couch, his face red from giggles. “He's just making up for all the weekends he missed while studying.” Conner laughed at this, because it was true. John was in two (two!) honors societies for Latin and Spanish, and had taken every available AP class.  
“Do you have a ride home? I’m all these goons designated drivers, and I could drop you off.” Simone offered, taking a sip out of her Sprite can. Out of all of his older friends, Conner was closest to Simone. She was funny, smart, and Jesus Christ, fucking gorgeous. But her girlfriend, Kate, had made it very clear to Conner to ‘look and not touch.’  
“If you could drive me home that'd be great.” Conner said.  
“Cool. We’ll probably leave at 1 or 2.” Simone said. They were all at Natalie’s house, a lush home in Conner’s wealthy neighborhood.  
“I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” John stood up, making direct eye contact with Conner. Jesus, could the guy be any more obvious?  
Every part of Conner wanted to make up an excuse and meet John in the bathroom for whatever he had planned, but Conner kept thinking back to his dad’s spiel on gay marriage the night before. It had left Conner crying into his pillow the whole night. Because Conner really did love boys. He loved the way Taylor had kissed him at karate camp a year ago. He loved their eyes, mouths, everything. But his father’s beliefs were like a root choking Conner, keeping him from being himself.  
But Conner kept thinking of how confident John was. How John didn't care about what anyone had to say about him. Conner wanted to be just like that, which is what led him to the upstairs bathroom.  
“Hey.” John whispered when Conner opened the bathroom door.  
“Hey yourself.” Conner replied. John dragged Conner in by his jacket.  
“You're so fucking hot for a freshman.” John muttered, running his hands over Conner’s arms and chest.   
“Thanks, I guess?” Conner replied, trying to keep his heart from going into overdrive.  
“That came out worse than I meant it to.” John smacked his head with his hand. “God, I’m drunk.” he giggled.  
“Me too.” Conner agreed.  
“Whatever. We’re here now.” John mused. He stood on his toes and presses a kiss to Conner’s lips. Conner tasted cigarettes, beer, and...lip gloss? Conner pulled away and licked his lips to confirm.  
“Strawberry lip gloss?” Conner asked.  
“Simone did my makeup earlier.” John gestured to the smudged eyeliner. “But come back here.” Their lips reconnected, this time with more passion and heat.  
Conner tried to get his dad’s booming voice out of his head as John’s hands undid his jeans and palmed Conner through his boxers. Conner didn't stop thinking about his dad’s words, even as he came into John’s mouth. Even as he kissed down John’s chest, taking all of John into his mouth.  
Two weeks later, Conner went all the way with some girl he met at another one of the group’s parties. trying to forget how fucking good John had felt. He didn't know her name until a month later, when her friend texted him telling him her period was late. Conner just blocked her number.  
When all his friends graduated and went onto college, Conner felt empty. He found himself hovering over Jared’s contact in his phone, tempted to call his ex best friend. But there was a voice telling him he was annoying and a waste of space, and not to bother Jared. So Conner would give in and would turn off his phone. Every day, Conner started buying into the lies, until he really did believe that he was a worthless excuse for a person who was incapable of being loved.  
Then Jared came back into his life.


	6. it won't happen again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heavy, HEAVY trigger warning: incest (it's not conner and zoe don't worry u nasties), rape, non con.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want my boys to be happy too but i still have angst to churn out sorry!!

Conner wasn't possessive of Jared. It was more like Jared was the only thing keeping Conner alive, and someone has a whole lot of protectiveness over that person.   
Even with Jared, Conner still couldn't escape himself. Or his dad.  
One day in July, as Conner was packing his bag to go to Jared’s, his dad stood in his doorway and coughed.   
“Where are you going?” His father asked.  
“Jared’s.” Conner turned his back to his father and began packing faster.   
“You were there two days ago. Why don't you spend tonight with us?” His dad suggested.   
“No thanks.” Conner said, slugging his bag onto his shoulder.  
“We rented Donnie Darko.” His father persuaded. “I know you like it.”  
Conner really did like it; he felt just like Donnie almost every day. A lonely, horny, teenage boy. Minus jerking off in therapy.  
“It’s childish.” Conner retorted, pushing past his dad and into the hallway.   
“Suit yourself.” his dad said. “We can't keep you two apart. If I knew any better, I’d start separating you.” he added, venom in his voice.  
Conner stopped dead in his tracks, his blood pumping cold in his veins.   
“I said it before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in; I dont like you with that-” his father dad stopped, thinking of a word. Conner already knew what the word was going to be, even before it slid off his dad’s tongue. “That faggot.”  
“I thought you liked him.” Conner countered, recalling when his dad told Jared that he thought Jared was a good kid.   
“He’s changed. I don't want you hanging out with that type.” His dad said. “And if I hear of you two doing anything I wouldn't like, you're out of here.” he growled.   
Conner shuddered and kept walking, not knowing what to say. He pounded down the stairs, snatched the keys from the hallway table, and opened the door. He had been held back in kindergarten, so he'd had his license since March.   
“Where are you going Conner?” His mom appeared next to him.   
“Jared’s.” Conner had one foot out the door when his mother tugged on his sweatshirt sleeve.  
“Can you stay here? Just for tonight?” His mother requested.   
“We got Donnie Darko just for you. Don't be selfish.” Zoe called out from behind his mom. Conner glared at her.   
“I’ll be here tomorrow night.” Conner said.   
“That's what he always says.” Zoe grumbled.  
“Why do you care so much, Zoe?” Conner taunted. She flipped him off. Conner returned the favor, and his mother rubbed her temples.  
“Grow up, you two.” She pleaded. “Promise you'll be here tomorrow night.”   
“Yes, Mom. Bye.”  
Later that night, Jared noticed Conner had been suspiciously quiet. Jared was the more talkative of the two, but usually Conner had something to say. Usually about his dad. But nothing tonight.   
“What's wrong?” Jared lifted his head from Conner’s chest, pausing Donnie Darko and looking at his boyfriend. Funnily enough, it was Jared who'd insisted on watching it. “Tell me.” Jared continued. He ran circles with his thumb on Conner’s hand, knowing that always relaxed Conner.   
“Nothing.” Connor muttered. “Turn it back on.” Jared sighed and adjusted his glasses. He layed his head back down on Conner’s chest, but sat back up again.  
“Is it your dad?” Jared persisted.   
“You don't want to know.” Conner said. Jared pouted. “Seriously.”  
“C’mon.” Jared insisted,   
“It was about you.” Conner said. Jared raised an eyebrow in interest. “You really don't want to know.”   
“You know I’m a petty bitch who lives for drama. Tell me.” Jared whined.   
“Fuck, fine.” Conner gave up. Jared was ridiculously persistent when he wanted to be. “He calls you a-” Conner bit his lip. He was scared it would make Jared upset, or cry, and then it would be Conner’s fault for telling him and dating Jared in the first place and giving his dad the suspicion that they were dating and- “He called you a fag.” Conner interrupted his own thoughts.   
“Oh.”   
“Yeah.”   
“Anything else?” Jared asked, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.   
“Not really. Just something about how you've changed.” Jared snorted at this.   
“Yeah, and I’m goddamn happy about changing.” Jared smiled at Conner.   
“Me too.” Conner agreed. “How have you been doing with eating?”  
“I’m getting down all three meals, but barely. The worst is gaining back the weight I lost.” Jared explained. “I know what I did was bad, but it still feels like losing all that weight was an accomplishment.”   
“Call me if you ever need anything.” Conner told him. Jared smiled and settled back down, head on Conner’s chest and arms around him. “I’ll always love you, no matter what size you are.” He pressed a kiss to Jared’s cheek. “Now unpause it, asshole.”   
“Say please.”  
God, Jared was a little shit sometimes. And a tease.   
Such a fucking tease.   
Jared was fond of ‘accidentally’ brushing his hand across Conner’s crotch. In public, especially. He also enjoyed ‘missing’ an innocent peck on the cheek, landing on Conner's neck. It drove Conner crazy. But Conner did worry about his boyfriend sometimes, especially with what he'd told Conner after their first kiss, about how Conner’s moan brought up a bad memory. Conner had never pried or asked any questions about it, but it worried him how Jared always went directly to sex. And how Jared didn't really seem to enjoy sex in the first place.   
If Conner came before Jared, he'd offer to get the other boy off, but Jared would almost always decline. In their 10 months of dating, Conner could count on one hand how many times he'd seen Jared come. It was like Jared thought of sex as a favor for Conner, and nothing more. Conner wanted to say something, but he didn't want to upset Jared.   
“C’mon, can I please?” Conner requested. They were in the backseat of Conner’s car, and had been making out for a solid 20 minutes beforehand. “You've never let me go down on you. Please?” Conner ran his hand over Jared’s hard on.  
“Um, yeah?” Jared sounded unsure. Conner stopped, not wanting to hurt or upset Jared. “Yeah. Yes. Please.”   
“You sure, babe?” Conner asked. Jared nodded quickly. “Tell me if you want me to stop.” Conner got down on the car floor between Jared’s legs. He may or may have not moved the driver's seat all the way up in his determination to blow Jared. Conner unbuttoned Jared’s khakis, and kissed Jared’s erection through his underwear. (what a fashion icon: khakis, a Radiohead shirt, and Nike socks. Jesus.) Jared whimpered at the touch, and Conner pushed his shorts down. He stroked Jared through his boxers, pressing kisses at the strip of skin before Jared’s boxers began. Jared’s breathy moans at the feeling encouraged Conner to keep going, and he took off his boyfriend's boxers. Conner didn't waste any time; he had one hand stroking Jared’s length, and was gently licking the head.   
“Conner,” Jared whimpered. Connor hummed, and took more of Jared into his mouth. Jared tugged at his hair, and Conner moaned at the slight pain. “Conner!” Jared cried. Conner stopped and pushed his hair out of his eyes, pumping Jared’s length. When he saw the anxiety in the smaller boys eyes, he stopped immediately and sat next to Jared.   
“Breath, Jared.” Conner said. Jared covered his face with his shirt. “Do you want me to put your shorts back on?’ Conner asked. Jared nodded. Conner did so, and put an arm around Jared, holding him close.   
“Breath, just breath.” Conner told him. Jared did so, and emerged from his shirt a moment later.   
“I’m so sorry.” he choked out. Conner hushed him.   
“No! Don't apologize.” Conner said. “I should have listened. Are you okay?”   
“It was in a car,” Jared said, more tears rolling out. Conner’s heart dropped. “My c-cousin. Jonathan. He was driving me home.” Jared cried. “He stopped and- and-.”  
“You don't need to tell me anymore if you don't want to.” Conner said, pulling Jared even closer. Jared shook in his arms.   
Conner vowed to get some sort of revenge on that son of a bitch Jonathan.


	7. drag me down with every word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> revenge is good served cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jonathan a bitch boy

Conner’s eyes were trained on the road, knuckles white against the wheel. The glowing clock said 3:30 AM, and Conner estimated he would be in Sherman Lake, Wisconsin, by 7. He’d stalked all of Jared’s familys’ Facebooks, till he found Jonathan's profile. It said he lived in Sherman Lake, Wisconsin. Conner didn't have an address, but he figured he could just ask around. Jonathan’s profile did say he worked at the local McDonald’s, so Conner could swing by there. Conner didn't really have a plan; he just envisioned inflicting some kind of pain on the slimy little shit.  
By 7:30, Conner was in Sherman Lake, a depressing suburban area with a tiny downtown area. Conner was on the prowl for the McDonald’s; besides finding and beating the shit out of his boyfriend’s abuser, he could also go for a McMuffin. Conner finally saw the golden arches behind the local library. He swung into the parking lot and parked sloppily. Yeah, he was taking up two spots, but his stomach was growling so much that he could feel the vibrations throughout his body. He walked into the McDonald’s filled with construction workers, bums, and other members of the beautiful Sherman Lake community. Conner already knew his order; he'd been fantasizing about sinking his teeth into a McMuffin and taking a sip of the orange juice. As he went up to order, his cashier had a name tag reading ‘Jonathan.’  
This was easier than he thought.  
“Jonathan?” Conner asked. Jonathan nodded.  
“What can get you, sir?” he asked wearily.  
“You know Jared?” Conner continued, ignoring Jonathan.  
“What can I get you?” Jonathan asked again.  
“He told me about you.” Conner said. Jonathan’s eyes narrowed, and he clutched the cash register. “He told me everything.” Conner leaned in, close enough to see the grease shining on Jonathan’s ugly mug.  
“If you're not going to order anything, I’ll have to ask you to leave.” Jonathan said coldly. Conner scoffed.  
“I don't want my food served to me by a fucking pedo, anyways.” Conner said. Jonathan’s eyes widened, and Conner swung. The people in the line behind him gasped as Conner kept throwing punches at Jonathan.  
Conner got a few good swings in before Jonathan scrambled away to the back. Conner turned and ran, pushing past anyone in his way and hopping into his truck. He saw someone, probably a manager, running towards his truck, and Conner quickly reversed and drove out of the parking lot. His tires squealed, but Conner ignored them as he barreled out of the McDonald’s. The adrenaline Conner felt as he merged onto the highway helped him fight past the fatigue and hunger he felt. He still had a five hour drive home, but he'd beaten up that motherfucker Jonathan. Conner smiled at the blood he saw streaming out of Jonathan’s nose before he hobbled away into the back. Connie wished he'd been able to do more, but hey. Mission accomplished.  
-  
It was the hottest day of summer, and Jared had made the mistake of smoking with Conner. The hot cigarette smoke kept blowing back into their faces, blending with the humidity into a suffocating mix.  
“How has camp been?” Conner asked. They were sitting on Conner’s patio, overlooking the forest surrounding his house.  
“Fuckin’ wild.” Jared said. “The kids are insane, man. They snitch on you if you're ever on your phone, and are so hyper all the time.”  
“At least you're getting paid.” Conner pointed out. Jared shrugged, tapping the ash off his cigarette.  
“Not enough for sweating my ass off while chasing after pre teens.” Jared countered.  
“Sounds rough.” Conner said. Jared sighed and rested his head on his knees. Conner frowned. “What's wrong?”  
“Nothing.” Jared responded. “You know Jonathan?” Conner’s stomach twisted. Oh god, had Jared found out about what Conner did? He was gonna think Conner is a controlling freak.  
“Yeah. What about him?” Conner tried to keep his cool.  
“There were pictures on Facebook. He got beat up real bad at work.” Jared frowned. “His mom messaged me and said the person who did it was talking about me. And that they called Jonathan a pedophile.” Conner’s stomach dropped to his toes.  
“I-um, that's- that's weird.” Conner stumbled. Jare squinted at him through his glasses.  
“No one knows about it but you.” Jared said quietly, eyes still trained on Conner.  
“Listen, I know, it sounds crazy, but I couldn't sleep knowing what he did to you.” Conner explained. Jared stood up and ground his cigarette butt.  
“I didn't need you to do that.” Jared snapped. “Now my whole family thinks I had something to do with it.Thanks a lot.” He turned and walked away.  
“Wait, Jared!” Conner cried, but the screen door slammed behind Jared. “Shit.” Conner whispered to himself. He'd fucked up. He'd be surprised if Jared ever wanted to see him again. But Conner didn't chase after Jared. He just sat there, paralyzed. He only moved when his cigarette burned out all the way and burned his knuckle. He stayed on the porch, thoughts swirling, a plan forming in his head. He'd tried to help, but now Jared was mad. Not mad; furious. Jared wouldn't care if he died. No one would. Conner stayed outside until dark fell, until Zoe came out.  
“We’re going to sleep.” Zoe said, kicking Conner’s back. Conner didn't say anything. “Fine. You're such a freak.” Zoe turned and flounced back inside.  
Conner wiped at his tears. His own family hated him, and it was his fault. He and Zoe used to be close, but he'd fucked it all up. That's all he was good at; ruining his relationships with everyone.  
No one would ever miss him.


	8. we can make this real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evans a home wrecker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this made me so happy i love drama evan u skank

As soon as Jared stormed out of the Murphy house, he felt a tug at his stomach telling him to go back. But he shook his head and sat on the curb, texting his mom to pick him up. His finger hovered over the send button, but the rage still in his veins possessed him to hit send. He looked behind him, half expecting to see Conner bursting out the door to apologize. But nothing. He stayed on the sidewalk for 15 minutes before his mom picked him up. He smiled gratefully at her maroon minivan, especially since his butt was starting to go numb from the concrete curb.  
“Hi honey. Why did you want me to pick you up so early?’ His mom asked as Jared closer the car door behind him.  
“Conner had a doctors appointment.” Jared lied. “You know how forgetful he is.”  
“It's so great you two are hanging out again.” His mom said, starting her engine and driving away. “Can I ask you for something?”  
“Yeah, sure.” Jared said. He and his mom had already talked about what happened with Jonathan; she had gotten a frenzied phone call from his aunt earlier that week. Jared followed his typical lying routine; nod and confirm. But in this case, it was shake head and deny. Jared said it must've been some crazy Facebook stalker who was looking for a reason to beat up somebody. His mother bought it, and told his aunt.  
“Heidi Hansen is coming over tonight, and she's bringing Evan.” His mother started. “I know how you can be about Evan, but please, be nice.”  
“Why wouldn't I be?” Jared asked.  
“Well, you did push him off a swing once.” His mom said.  
“That was like, five years ago.” Jared argued. “And I’ll be nice.”  
Jared was secretly excited; He and Evan had been talking a little bit since Evan had given Jared the kind note; occasional texts back and forth about TV shows. Evan would even give Jared a small smile and wave in the hallways at school.  
Jared spent an embarrassingly long time picking out his outfit that evening. It helped distract him from worrying about Conner. Jared shouldn't have gotten that angry, but Conne had overstepped boundaries.  
Whatever, Jared thought as he settled on a dotted blue button up and khakis. Let the kid figure it out. But Jared kept thinking of Conner’s eyes, and how they looked like broken piece of glass when Jared snapped at him. Jared couldn't stop thinking about how sensitive Conner was, and how he might freak out and do something.  
“Whatever!” Jared shouted to himself, trying to quiet his thoughts. Conner fucked up, and had to deal with the consequences. “What fucking ever.” He muttered, smoothing his shirt in the mirror and running a hand through his hair. It was getting shaggy, starting to curl over his ears and onto the neck collar of his shirt. Jared grabbed a tube of gel from his dresser and worked it into his hair. Once he was satisfied, he slipped on his converse and went downstairs.  
“Jared! You look so handsome!” His mother cried as he entered the kitchen. She was setting out cheese and crackers for their guests. “They'll be here any minute.” she said, checking the stove clock.  
“Cool.” Jared grabbed a sprite from the fridge and flopped onto the couch. As soon as he turned the TV on, the doorbell rang.  
“Can you get that for me?” His mother called from the kitchen.  
“Yeah.” Jared got up and walked to the door, opening it.  
“Jared! It's so good to see you!” Heidi bubbled, wrapping Jared in a hug. Jared felt slight embarrassment at how she didn't even have to stand on her tip toes to hug him.  
“Good to see you too.” Jared smiled, letting Heidi in.  
And then there was Evan.  
Evan had changed in the past two months.  
He was tan, for starters. There was a dusting of freckles across his face, and a healthy bronze glow on his still chubby cheeks. His hair was more blonde, and cropped short.  
“Hey, Jared.” Evan said quietly.  
“Hey!” Jared said, sounding more excited than he meant to. Evan must've grown too; he now had about three inches on Jared. “How are you?” Jared, asked as Evan entered. Jared closed the door behind him and stood across from Evan in the hallway.  
“I’m good. How are you?” Evan asked.  
“I'm good too.” Jared lied, trying to forget the events of this afternoon. “I thought that picture of the squirrel trying to steal your lunch that you sent me was hilarious.” Jared was referencing the photo Evan had sent him a few days ago. It showed a fat squirrel on top of Evan’s lunch box, trying to figure out the zippers.  
“Oh, yeah. That was so weird.” Evan giggled, blushing a little bit. Jared felt butterflies at how Evans's nose crinkled as he laughed, and how his blush looked with his freckles.  
Jared forgot Conner in that moment, caught up in Evan's blue eyes and shy voice.  
-  
It was 2 am when Conner finished the note. He set the pen down and took a moment before grabbing the pill bottle.  
This was it.  
Conner had gone over everything in his head; how his family didn't care and never really had, how Jared hated him right now. That was it.  
Those were the only people in Conner’s life.  
The only reason that he'd had for living hated him. Conner had ruined the only good thing in his life.  
Fucking depressing.  
Conner didn't even bother counting the pills, he just dumped the bottle into his hand. As he raised his hand to his mouth to swallow, he heard Zoe’s voice.  
“Don't do it.” she said. Conner spun around and saw his sister in his doorway. She was staring at him.  
“Go away.” Conner told her. She crossed her arms.  
“You're not killing yourself.” She frowned. “I won't leave till you put the pills down.”  
“Leave!” Conner yelled. Zoe flinched, and Conner felt remorse.  
“I mean it.” she stayed, defiant. “Put them down!” she yelled. Conner obliged, dropping the pills into the bottle.  
“Why do you even care?” he whispered. Zoe walked towards him and hugged him tightly.  
“You're my big brother.” she said. “I don't know what I’d do without you.”  
“I thought you hated me.” Conner said.  
“Sometimes.” Zoe replied, pulling away.  
“I'm a horrible brother.” Conner said. “You had to get stitches because of me!” He cried.  
“You got angry. I was being an asshole anyways.” Zoe said. “You need to go to bed.” Zoe grabbed his arm and walked him from his desk to his bed. She turned around as he got undressed into his undershirt and boxers. Zoe turned around when Conner told her she could, and made sure he was tucked in before leaving.  
“We really do love you.” Zoe said before leaving.  
“I don't know about that.” Conner doubted.  
“You just need help. And to take your meds.” Zoe said. “I know that you don't take them. I count them everyday.” She confessed. “We want you to get better, Conner.”  
“Jesus.” Conner whispered.   
“Yeah. I love you, ya know.” Zoe said.  
“I love you too.” Conner smiled as Zoe left. At least he had Zoe. Conner promised himself that he would start being nicer to her, and that he would buy her that new Manic Panic indigo hair dye she'd been talking about.


	9. give me a hit of that poison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sort of short but oh well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm going to warped tour tomorrow yell heah

Conner never bought Zoe the hair dye; by the time he found himself at Hot Topic, he'd forgotten what color she'd wanted. Or maybe they were out of indigo. Conner couldn't really remember. He really should stop smoking before going out, he decided after that.   
He did try though. He tried to yell at Zoe and his mother less, and to at least be cordial with his father. It helped him forget that it has been four days, sixteen hours, and thirteen minutes since Jared had contacted him.   
Not that he was counting.   
Conner could get through the days, just barely. But nights were another thing. Conner got maybe three hours of sleep in those four days, and found himself staring down the bottle of pills still on his desk. On the fourth night, he swallowed his pride and texted Jared. A simple ‘hey.’ Conner chucked his phone on his floor and covered his eyes, scared Jared wouldn't respond. When he heard his phone buzzing, he sat up so fast his neck hurt. He peered onto the floor and his eyes widened when he saw that Jared was calling. Conner fumbled for his phone and picked up.   
“Hey!” Conner said breathlessly.   
“Hi.” Jared responded. Conner smiled at Jared’s voice. The smile melted as he remembered that he was still in deep, deep shit. “Why’d you text me?”   
“I couldn't sleep.” Conner whispered. “I’m just so-” Conner’s voice wobbled, and he cleared his threat. “So, so fucking sorry, Jared. I don't know why I did it.”   
“It’s okay. I got my family off my ass about it.” Jared said. Conner breathed a sigh of relief.   
“That's great! Oh, that's great!” Conner cried, not caring that it was four a.m. and that he was probably waking up his family.   
“Yeah.” Jared agreed. “Sorry for freaking out so much, I just-”  
“Jared, don't apologize. I went insane and did something stupid.” Conner cut him off. “It was my fault, and I own up to it.”   
“Thanks, Con.” Jared said. Conner could hear his smile across the phone, and Conner’s heart lit up at the pet name. “Wanna hang out tomorrow?”   
“Hell yeah.” Conner replied.  
\--  
They met the next day at À la Mode, an ice cream place near where they usually hiked. They were sitting outside on a bench near the store. Jared watched Conner digging into his second bowl of ice cream, smiling fondly at his boyfriend. Jared couldn't blame Conner for what he’d done; Jared had thought about it, and he would have done the same.   
“You're a little hungry, aren't you.” Jared remarked. Conner looked up, mouth full of Oreo ice cream.   
“Forgot breakfast.” Conner said through his mouth of ice cream. He frowned at Jared’s barely touched cup of cherry gelato. “Eat.”   
“It tastes like cough syrup.” Jared wrinkled his nose and pushed the cup away.   
“Then I’ll buy you another flavor.” Conner opened his wallet and pulled out a five. “What kind do you want?”   
“I can get it.” Jared protested, but Conner put his hand on Jared’s.   
“Trust me, I've got it.” Conner insisted. “I owe you.”   
“Fine.” Jared gave up and crossed his arms. “Rocky road.”   
“I'm on it.” Conner said, standing up and waltzing to the store window, where you ordered. Jared sighed and poked at his cherry gelato. Yes, it tasted like cough syrup, but Jared’s stomach hurt from his swirling thoughts. He kept thinking back to when he and Evan hung out, and how Jared kept feeling pulled in to the other boy. He'd honestly thought things with Conner were over, so now he felt shame for being so damn attracted to Evan. Evan was like summer, warm and inviting, and Conner was like winter, cold some days and comforting others. But Jared was back with Conner, so Evan was completely out of the question. But Jared’s mind kept flipping back to his sunny blue eyes, and soft dimples, and…  
“Earth to Jared!” Conner waved his hand in front of Jared’s face. Jared yelled and jumped, causing Conner to laugh. “Rocky road!” Conner presented the cup proudly, like a little kid.   
Jesus, now Jared's stomach hurt even worse.   
\--  
They went hiking afterwards, on the route that they always took. As usual, Jared was huffing behind Conner, relying on his walking stick.  
“Wanna switch things up?” Conner stopped, letting Jared catch up.   
“Sure.” Jared said, wheezing slightly.   
“Let's go to this old orchard. It closed forever ago, but I know a way in.” Conner said.   
“Let’s do it.” Jared approved. Conner grinned and took Jared’s hand.   
“It's not too long.” Conner assured Jared. And he was right; they were at the gates of the orchard within twenty minutes.   
“So how do we get in?” Jared asked. Conner peered at the fence and shook it.   
“We should be able to climb it.” Conner mused. He rested a foot on the chain link fence, testing it out. “Seems sturdy enough.” Conner scrambled up the rest of the way up the fence. Jared followed, not as quickly as Conner, but he survived.   
“Follow me. I have a special spot.” Conner told Jared, breaking out into a sprint.   
“Hey! Wait for me!” Jared protested, following Conner. Conner looked behind him, laughing wildly as Jared struggled to keep up. “Screw you, Murphy!”   
“It's not too far!” Conner assured Jared, still ahead of him. Jared rolled his eyes and pushed on. This spot had better be good.   
It was worth it, in the end. Conner's spot was a large apple tree on top of a hill, overlooking the orchard.   
“Wow.” Jared breathed.   
“Yeah.” Conner agreed, flopping down onto the ground under the tree. “Apple?” He offered a bright red apple to Jared.   
“Nah.” Jared denied. Conner shrugged and took a sloppy bite. “Jesus, it's like this place goes on forever.” Jared gushed.   
“I've never taken anyone else here.” Conner said. Jared looked at him in bewilderment.   
“Really?” Jared asked. Conner nodded. “I feel honored!” Jared said sarcastically.   
“Oh, fuck off.” Conner smirked, leaning his head onto the tree’s trunk and closing his eyes. Jared admired how Conner looked like a Greek god or something. Damn, he'd gotten lucky.   
“You've got juice riiigghht,” Jared wiped some apple juice off Conner’s chin. “There.”   
“Thanks.” Conner muttered, opening his eyes slightly. “C’mere.” he pulled Jared to his side, and Jared settled into his touch. Conner pressed a sleepy kiss to Jared’s cheek.  
“There's no place I’d rather be right now.” Conner whispered.   
“Me neither.” Jared snuggled into his boyfriend’s side, relishing the warmth from him and the sun,


	10. borrow me for the night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's so short and it's been a few days since i've updated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love evan hansen

Conner stared at the pamphlet that was on the kitchen counter.   
White Dove Rehab Center.  
Conner grabbed the pamphlet and looked over it, his eyes darting over the text. It said it was for recovering addicts, and was two hours away in the country. Conner groaned and crumpled the pamphlet. His mom had probably noticed the missing pills from her medicine cabinet and flipped. Conner’s old friends were home from college, and he'd gone to one of their parties earlier that week. He’d taken some of his mother’s anxiety medication and some of Zoe’s ADHD pills for his friends, along with some of his dad’s beer and Fireball. Conner sighed and tossed the crumpled pamphlet into the garbage, thinking of a way to weasel his way out of the rehab program. Jared had told Conner all about his own stint in rehab, and it sounded awful. Touchy feely kumbaya circles where you'd talk about your feelings and all that shit. Conner tried to hide as much as he could from the outside, and only let a select few in; his therapist and Jared. Conner had eventually warmed up to his therapist, Crystal. He looked forward to going weekly, and trusted her with everything. Maybe it was because she prescribed the pills, or because she was just a good person; Conner didn't really know. But she helped him with anger management, and taught him all sorts of breathing exercises for his anxiety. It did made Conner feel weak, though. Especially when his father would comment on how Conner had been going to Crystal for almost two years. He believed that Conner should be ‘better’ by now.   
Whatever that meant.   
Conner shook his head and made his breakfast, a healthy choice of a S’mores Poptart and chocolate milk. He pondered about rolling a blunt out of the pamphlet just for spite, but decided that the glossy finish wouldn't work. Instead, he pulled out his phone and texted Jared, asking if he was free today.   
\--  
Jared woke up to his phone buzzing. He groggily reached for his phone, knocking over his alarm clock, water bottle, and book over before he got to his phone. He peered through the sleep in his eyes, trying to decipher the texts on his home screen. One was from Conner, asking if he was free today. There was another from Evan, asking the same thing.   
Oh, shit.   
Jared put his phone down and pondered which boy to hang out with. He'd already seen Conner twice this week, but Conner didn't seem to be doing very well lately. But Jared hadn't seen Evan in two weeks, and he wanted to see the other boy. Jared grit his teeth and ran a hand through his mop of hair. He really should see Conner; he seemed to be losing weight, and his college friends were back in town, meaning he was out getting fucked up with them most nights. Jared didn't want to be a prude, but he hated Conner’s dependency on drugs and alcohol. He also hated Conner’s friends. They were all indie stoner hipsters in Jared’s opinion. Jared opened his phone and texted Conner, telling him he was free all day. He made up an excuse for Evan, promising that he was free tomorrow. Jared rolled over, trying to go back to sleep, but his phone buzzed again. It was Conner, saying he could pick Jared up now.   
“Jesus,” Jared groaned, rousing himself out of bed. He texted Conner, saying he would be ready in twenty minutes. Conner replied with a bounty of heart emojis. Usually, Jared loved romantic shit like that, but today he just grimaced at Conner’s response. He thought about saying he had a doctors appointment that he forgot about, and go hang out with Evan. But Jared knew how upset Conner would get, so he decided against it.   
Maybe he was just tired and needed caffeine. That had to be it.   
-  
It was disgusting outside, Evan thought. Jared’s response, saying he was busy today, sent Evan into a series of panic attacks. He'd retreated to the forest near his house for comfort. In the August heat and humidity, Evan realized this was a mistake. He trudged on though, not wanting to return to his always silent house.   
Evan would've missed the two boys if he hadn't stopped to tie his shoe.   
A long haired, lanky boy with a shorter boy sitting on a riverbank together, right off the path Evan was on. Evan wiped the sweat from his brow and got a closer look. Their hands were intertwined, and the shorter boy had his head on the other’s shoulder. Evan would have continued if the shorter boy hadn't turned to press a kiss to the other boy’s cheek.   
It was Jared.   
Evan bit the inside of his cheek so hard he tasted blood. That's what Jared was busy with. Evan swallowed to combat the panic rising up in his chest. Jared ditched him to be with a boy who he was probably dating. Evan tried not to picture himself in the other boy’s position, but he couldn't help himself. Evan turned and was about to run home when the taller boy turned. Evan went limp when he saw him kiss Jared. He felt so weird just staring, but he couldn't stop. He was so jealous, and felt sick from the anxiety in his stomach. Suddenly, the long haired boy turned around and caught Evan’s eye. Evan’s eyes widened and he turned around, pretending that he hadn't been looking. He peeked over his shoulder and saw that Jared was looking at him too. Evan went into panic mode, and sprinted away, barely missing the roots and rocks littering the forest trail. Oh god, Jared was gonna think he was a stalker. A stalking, creepy freak who followed Jared into this woods with his boyfriend. Evan kept running, not stopping until he reached his house. He flew up the steps and hastily opened the back door. He sprinted up the stairs and flung himself onto is bed, feeling the storm of emotions pass through him. Evan shook and cried for what felt like hours. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket, but didn't bother to check, caught up in his panic.   
The boy he'd been pining after for years now was dating someone else, and now he thought Evan was a creepy stalker. Evan imagined what Jared would tell everyone when he got back to school. Even after he'd cried out every tear he had, Evan still shook silently. It was all too much.


	11. i'm so sorry that i need you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evan 'they're good friemds' hansen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for physical abuse

Conner was gonna kill Evan Hansen.  
No, not kill. His therapist told him to stop saying things like that.  
He was going to threaten Evan with extreme bodily harm to keep him from running his mouth about Conner and Jared. Better.  
Jared had to grab Conner and force him to sit back down on the rock to keep him from chasing after Evan. Conner tried to explain to Jared that if Evan told anyone Conner’s life would be over, but Jared told him he knew Evan, and that he wouldn't tell anyone.  
“I’ll even text him to make sure.” Jared assured him, rubbing his arm to soothe him.  
“My dad will fucking kill me!” Conner screeched, trying to rip his arm from Jared’s grip. Jared held on though, refusing to let go.  
“He's a nice kid!” Jared insisted. “He doesn't even have any friends other than me.” Jared felt bad for saying it, but it was true.  
“He can still tell people!” Conner challenged, not giving up.  
“The only numbers in his phone are me and his mom, Conner!” Jared exclaimed. Conner fumed, ripping his arm from Jared’s grip and crossing them. “One of these days, you're gonna have to tell your family.” Jared said after a tension filled minute.  
“Unless you've got room at your house, then no.” Conner muttered.  
“I’ll make my mom sleep on the couch.” Jared joked. He bit his tongue at Cinner’s unamused silence.  
“I’m not telling anyone. Ever.” Conner said defiantly.  
“Fine. Hate yourself for being who you are for the rest of your life. Sounds fun.” Jared quipped. He regretted saying it when Conner eyes locked onto Jared’s, his expression steely.  
“Sorry we can't all have good parents.” Conner hissed, standing up abruptly.  
“Con, I’m sorry.” Jared said, looking up at him. “I just want you to accept who you are.” Conner ignored him and stormed off into the woods. “Conner!” He called out to Conner’s retreating back. “Shit,” Jared muttered, standing up and running after him.  
“Conner!” He yelled. Conner kept going, ignoring Jared’s call. “Conner! Come on!” Jared repeated, sprinting until he caught up to Conner. “Look, I shouldn't have said that.”  
“You don't know what it's like!” Conner cried, stopping and facing Jared. Jared’s stomach twisted at Conner’s eyes, stormy and animalistic. “You. Don’t. Know.”  
“What do I not know?” Jared shouted. “What is it? Your shitty friends? How you’re a fucking addict? Tell me what it is, Conner!” Jared taunted, feeling everything coming up, like word vomit. Conner took a step back, breathing heavily. “You're too scared to see who you really are, so you get shit faced and come crying to me. Is that what it is?” Jared continued, still shouting. “You need help, Conner.” Jared spat.  
“Fuck you!” Conner shouted, shoving Jared away, knocking the wind out of Jared’s chest. “Fuck you!” he repeated over and over, tugging at his hair and walking in a tight circle. “You're no better than my parents.” he said, tears streaming down his face. Jared felt his anger fueled adrenaline give way to sympathy. He took a deep breath and cautiously reached a hand out to Conner’s.  
“I’m-I’m sorry.” Jared apologized. Conner sniffled and wiped at his nose, slowly taking Jared’s hand. “Let’s sit.” Jared said, taking a seat on the trail. Conner joined him, still wiping at his nose with his free hand.  
“You wanna know why I don't tell them?” Conner asked Jared.  
“What?” Jared asked. Conner lifted his shirt, revealing bruises spotting his stomach and chest.  
“He saw a text message from you,” Conner said slowly. “It said I love you. He freaked. Started punching and kicking.” Jared’s breath caught in his throat. He was responsible for this.  
“Fuck,” He whispered. Conner nodded and let his shirt fall back down. “Jesus, I don't know what to say. I’m so sorry for everything I said.” Jared’s voice broke just thinking about their argument.  
“It's okay. You didn't know.” Conner said quietly, tears starting to fall down his face again. Jared wrapped his arms around Conner, holding him through his tears, pressing kisses to his forehead as the storm inside him passed.  
\--  
A week after their fight, Jared still felt awful. Even when Conner had Jared wrapped in his arms as they watched 90s cartoons, Jared felt so fucking guilty. His text had caused Conner’s father to beat him. He'd noticed that whenever he came over now, nobody else was home. Jared was too afraid to ask, but he has pretty sure Conner did this on purpose. He’d probably been told to not have Jared over anymore. Jared felt his blood boil thinking about Conner’s parents; his bigoted dad and his mother who was too scared to say anything. Jared just felt so responsible for all of this.  
“Wanna smoke?” Conner’s voice brought Jared out of his flurry of thoughts.  
“Yeah.” Jared said, sitting up.  
“You're adorable.” Conner muttered, ruffling Jared’s hair. Jared batted his hand away.  
“Stop!” he whined as Conner continued, an evil grin on the boy’s face.  
“Or what?” Conner taunted. Jared squealed as Conner picked him up and placed him in his lap, peppering kisses all over his face.  
“Come on!” Jared giggled. Conner laughed, pressing kisses on Jared’s neck. “I wanna smoke!” he said.  
“Don't be a party pooper.” Conner frowned, his eyes suggestive. Jared stuck his tongue out at Conner.  
“Fine. But you owe me a pack.” Jared said. Conner grinned at his victory.  
“Worth it.” Conner muttered, pulling Jared closer and kissing him again, with more heat. Jared gave way into the kiss, letting himself enjoy the moment.  
Anything to stop this feeling of responsibility that had been keeping Jared up at night.  
\--  
Evan was up late, thinking. Usually this time was nice; just him alone with his thoughts. But tonight, he kept replaying what he'd seen in the forest last week. He'd figured out that the long haired boy was Conner Murphy, the kid Evan always heard about. He'd been told to stay away from Conner, and that he was insane.  
What was Jared doing with him?  
Evan knew the two had been friends in middle school, but he didn't know they were that close. Evan wasn't a jealous person, but he had been green with envy all week. Was Evan not good enough for Jared? What did Conner have that he didn't? Evan groaned, trying not to entertain the intrusive thoughts. He just wanted sleep; it was one AM and he has to be at the park at 8 in the morning.  
Evan didn't fall asleep for another two hours, self deprecating thoughts still parading through his head.


	12. who's been loving you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the abscence! I've been visiting family and haven't had a chance to sit down and write. But here ya go!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, evan u thottie

Evan groaned at his screeching alarm clock, fumbling on his side table to turn it off. Four hours of tumultuous sleep hadn't treated him well, he thought as he looked at his bloodshot eyes. He stumbled to the bathroom down the hall, rubbing at his sticky eyes. He didn't even notice his mom coming out of the bathroom until he bumped head first into her.   
“Oh! Evan!” His mother said. She peered at her son’s groggy expression and frowned. “Are you okay? Did you sleep enough?” She asked.  
“Rough nights sleep.” He answered. His mother nodded and patted his shoulder.   
“Alright. I'm making eggs, if you want any.” She said, walking down the stairs. Evan walked into the bathroom, did his business, and splashed cold water on his face. He cringed at the thought of going to work today; he usually enjoyed being a park ranger, but he was so tired and groggy today. His anxiety was already starting to spiral out of control as well, despite the medication he'd already taken this morning. Evan groaned, already seeing the day as a flurry of stumbling over his words and excessively sweaty palms. He finished getting ready and put on his uniform, a light green polo, khaki shorts, and a red bandana around his neck. Evan thought it made him look like an overgrown boy scout, but it was better than nothing. He tied up his boots and went downstairs, joining his mother at the table.   
“What time will you be off work?” His mom asked, passing him some butter.   
“3.” Evan said, spreading the butter on his toast. He rode his bike to and from work everyday.   
“Did you take your pills?” She asked, taking a bite of her eggs.   
“Yeah.” Evan said. “I still don't feel anything, though.” He continued. He'd gotten put on his anxiety medication a month ago, and he hadn't seen any difference.   
“It involves more than just medicine, Evan.” His mom sighed. “You have to do more. Go out, make friends, all of that. Why don't you ask Jared to come over?”   
Evan’s shoulders tensed up; seeing Jared was the last thing he wanted to do.  
“I have other friends, you know.” Evan lied.   
“Really? Who?” His mother asked excitedly.   
“Um, uh, Conner?” he stammered. “Conner Murphy?” His mother cocked her head.   
“Uh, yeah.” He said quickly, taking a bite of eggs before he said anymore.   
“That's great, Evan! This is exactly what Dr. Christianson said you should do.” His mother gushed. Evan gave her a strained smile, taking a final bite.  
“I gotta go so I’m not late.” He sputtered, taking his plate to the sink.  
“Goodbye, honey. Have a great day!” His mom followed him to the sink and hugged him. Evan reluctantly hugged her back, feeling bad for lying.   
\--  
During Evan’s lunch break, his phone buzzed in his khaki shorts pocket. Evan nearly choked on his pizza when he saw that Jared texted him. Jared had texted him twice, last night and earlier this morning. He hadn't opened any of Jared’s previous messages, afraid they would be filled with him calling him a stalker and telling Evan to never talk to him again. Before Evan shoved his phone back in his pocket, his eyes caught a bit of Jared’s message.   
‘Hey Evan! I don't think you got my other messages, but I just want you to know that I’m not mad or creeped out. Conner just wanted me to tell you that he really doesn't want you to tell anyone about what you saw. Anyways, how are you?’  
Evan read and reread the message, feeling most of his anxieties slip away. Jared didn't think he was a stalking creep, which was all that mattered. Evan didn't even have anyone to tell, anyways. He smiled as he responded, even though he was apologizing profusely in his text. He finally felt some peace of mind.   
Evan put his phone back in his pocket and stood up to throw away the remnants of his lunch and go back to work. He was interrupted by yet another buzz. Evan pitched his trash and checked his phone again. It was Jared; his message read: ‘I was thinking about going to see the new Spider-Man movie. Would you want to come with me?’   
Evan was flustered; he thought he was ridiculously lucky that Jared had even contacted him, and now Jared wanted to hang out? Evan grinned as he responded, finalizing the plans.   
\--  
It wasn't a big deal seeing Evan, right?   
That's what Jared kept assuring himself. Yeah, he'd sort of been into Evan that one time when Jared and Conner were in a fight, but that didn't matter. Jared just wanted to hang out with someone other than Conner. That was it. Period.   
Jared smoothed his carefully planned outfit as he stood outside the Hansen’s door. He checked his reflection in his phone camera before knocking on the door. Evan appeared a moment later, dressed in cutoffs and a blue checkered shirt.   
Oh no, he looked cute.   
“Hey Jared.” Evan said shyly. He looked almost scared, clinging to the door frame.   
“Hey yourself.” Jared replied. “Wanna go? Tom Holland is waiting.”   
“Oh, yeah! Sorry, I just thought you'd, um, never, uh,” Evan stuttered, fiddling with his shirt. “Wanna, see me again?” He laughed nervously.   
“Nah, man. Wrong place, wrong time.” Jared patted Evan’s shoulder. Evan recoiled a bit at the touch, taken by surprise.   
“Sorry,” Evan apologized at his movement. Jared felt a pang for the poor kids anxious demeanor. “Um, lets go?”  
“Sure.” Jared said, leading the way to his car. Well, his mom’s car. Jared had gotten his license the week before, and was ecstatic to have some independence.   
“You're driving now?” Evan asked, sounding scared.   
“Don't worry, I passed. Barely.” Jared joked, taking amusement in Evan’s expression. “I’m kidding, I got it no problem.” Evan nodded, opening the door and getting in.   
“It's cool that you can drive. I’m too scared.” Evan confessed.   
“Really?” Jared was surprised; everyone he knew was itching to get their license. “I mean, I get why you'd be scared.” He said after seeing Evan’s embarrassed expression.   
“Yeah, my mom got in a bad accident a few years ago.” Evan said as Jared backed into the street.   
“I’ll go slow for you.” Jared assured him. Evan’s eyebrows quirked and a blush rose to his cheeks. Jared mentally punched himself for the accidental innuendo. “Jesus, you've got a dirty mind.” Jared laughed, trying to ignore his tightening jeans. Evan laughed softly, seeming just as physically uncomfortable.   
This was going to be a long drive.   
\--  
Jared felt different with Evan, almost more...free? He felt like he had space to joke around, and he didn't have to be worrying all the time. Sometimes, Jared felt more like a babysitter than a boyfriend to Conner. He tried to focus on the movie him and Evan were watching, but Jared couldn't ignore his thoughts. It didn't help that he and Evan seemed to always reach for the popcorn at the same time, and how they'd been slowly inching closer as the movie went on. Halfway through the movie, Jared went to the bathroom, something he never did when he went to see a movie. He pulled out his phone and opened his conversation with Conner. The last message was from Conner, at 3 am from the morning before.   
‘maybe i'm just high as fuck, but i love you so much, jared. so, so much. jesus, i fucking love you. you're a fucking angel, jared.’ Conner had said. Jared winced, feeling guilty. But he couldn't stop himself from typing out a simple ‘I love you too.’ He hated how it didn't feel real, and how Jared felt that he'd been faking it with Conner the last weeks. But he ignored the feelings; he was with Evan, who happened to be a great friend. A cute friend, but a friend.   
That's it.   
Period.


	13. what i did for love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IT WASNT SAD HAH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YA YEET LITTLE BROTJER JAKEY

Conner hadn't played piano in years; he'd stopped playing in eighth grade after someone told him only girls played piano. And then Zoe became the ‘musical genius’ child when she got first chair for guitar in jazz band, and Conner really never got over it. He could've been in her exact position, playing keys for the school band, but he gave it up for a stupid reason.   
But he and Jared’s 10 month anniversary was coming up, so Conner picked up his dingy electric keyboard to write a song for Jared. Nothing too complex, just enough to make him smile. Conner spent hours on his floor, writing and rewriting lyrics and painstakingly relearning chords and keys until he had something resembling a song. He finished at three A.M., the morning of their anniversary. Conner had made plans with Jared to meet at Conner’s house, go hiking, and come back so he could play Jared the song. Conner smiled as he got into bed, ecstatic for the next day.   
\--  
Jared had completely forgotten their anniversary. He didn't even know they had one, to be honest. Was it when they first kissed? There wasn't an exact time when they began ‘dating’; it just sort of happened. But Jared played along when Conner texted him to make plans for it, pretending to be excited. He needed to talk to Conner, but he was so afraid that Conner would freak out and threaten to do something, or actually do something, and Jared just felt caught in the middle. He felt like an asshole for even thinking it, but he was growing tired of constantly worrying about Conner.   
But he just buried his thoughts once again.  
\--  
Jared peered at his reflection in his car mirror, styling down his newly cut hair. He'd gotten sick of his shaggy hair and impulsively shaved all but a bit of hair on the top of his head. His mother had been furious, but Jared loved it. He remembered a lady in rehab telling him that changing your hairstyle would get you out of a depression slump, which is exactly what Jared needed.   
When he was satisfied with his hair, Jared stepped out of his car and walked up to the Murphy’s door. He jumped around a bit before knocking, trying to get some positivity and energy flowing. ‘It’s your anniversary, asshole. Be excited.’ he thought before knocking.   
“Hey!” Conner answered seconds after Jared knocked.  
“Hey.” Jared smiled. Jared read somewhere that forcing yourself to smile would make you automatically happy, or something like that.  
“Your hair! It looks good!” Conner pulled Jared into the house and touched Jared’s hair, playing with the longer part. “I like it better short.”  
“Thanks.” Jared said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I got you something.” Jared handed Conner a sloppily wrapped package. “It's not much, but it's something.”   
“Aw, you didn't have to!” Conner smiled and unwrapped the present. A small white box was revealed, and Conner opened it quickly. “Whoa.” he breathed. “For me?” He asked Jared, pointing at the necklace in the box. It was a silver locket with a long chain, and a photo of the woods they always went to was inside. It was inconspicuous enough, so anyone who saw it wouldn't suspect anything.   
“Yeah.” Jared said. “Here, lemme help.” He got the necklace out of the box and stepped behind Conner. Jared stood on his tiptoes, and fastened the necklace around Conner’s neck. Conner ran to the hallway mirror and grinned at his reflection.   
“I love it so much.” He said. He turned to Jared and pressed a kiss to his lips. “What did I do to deserve you?”   
Jared didn't answer, just smiled and kissed Conner again.   
\--  
“So where's my present?” Jared joked from his perch on Conner’s bed.  
“We just got back from the hike! Don't you wanna chill for like, one minute?” Conner asked, closing the door behind him.   
“Ugh, fine.” Jared pouted. “Can my present be picking out what we watch?”   
“Whatever you want.” Conner joined him on the bed. Jared grabbed the remote and turned the TV on, putting on Netflix.  
“Parks and Rec? I thought you've seen that whole show like twice.” Conner wrinkled his nose when Jared hovered on the sitcom.   
“Yeah, but you haven't seen it yet.” Jared insisted, clicking on the play button.   
“Fine.” Conner said, laying back on the bed and patting the space next to him. Jared got into their usual position; the smaller boy wrapped in Conner’s arms, his head on Conner’s chest.   
“Do I get my real present yet?” Jared asked an hour later.  
“Sure, why not?” Conner pressed pause and sat up. He stood up and picked up the electric piano off the floor and placed it on his desk. “Don't judge me too hard, ‘kay? I haven't played in awhile.” Conner said sheepishly.   
“Of course not.” Jared assured him, taking a seat on the window seat next to the desk. Conner took a deep breath and began playing. When he began singing, Jared’s heart sank to his toes.   
Conner did all this for him, and Jared was thinking of ending things with him? He wrote a goddamn song, and Jared was that ungrateful.  
When Conner finished, tears were streaming down Jared’s face.  
“Was it that bad?” Conner joked quietly, standing up. Jared sniffled and flung himself into Conner’s arms.   
“You okay?” Conner asked.  
“Don't wanna talk about it.” Jared said. “Thank you so much. I loved it.”   
“Thanks, baby.” Conner kissed his forehead, holding him close.   
“I love you.” Jared said, pulling away from Conner.  
“I love you too.” Conner replied. Jared kissed him, passionate and heated. Conner seemed surprised at first, but began kissing back.   
“I've been a shitty boyfriend lately. A lots been going on.” Jared apologized.   
“I get it. Don't worry.” Conner wiped the remnants of Jared's tears away. “You're an amazing boyfriend.”   
Jared smiled and hugged Conner tightly.   
“Wanna pick up where we left off?” Conner whispered in Jared’s ear. Jared grinned and faced Conner.  
“Kinda sorta.” He said playfully, kissing Conner again


End file.
